Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Guys I Won't Hang Out With
Have you ever noticed that back in the day, and I mean way back in the black and white days, we looked the same. I'm not talking about our facial features or how fat or thin we are. I'm talking about a time when men walked around in suits and hats regardless of where they were. Ever see an old baseball game? Even in the stadium, men wore hats and suits. And women were dressed more like June Cleaver. But what happened since then? We have become individuals who want to define who we are by how we dress, or what car we drive or...you get my point. And since this evolution of odd behavior, I have run across too many individuals I have had to mark off my list of friends. For reasons listed below, I can no longer hang out with them.
Indi Music Guy
This is the guy that only likes the music you've never heard of. He proudly recites lyrics to unknown songs and any time you mention a popular group or singer you like he beats you down with phrases such as, "that's so gay", or "Are you kidding? Those guys suck!" And once his favorite group makes into mainstream, he dumps them like the high school girlfriend he caught cheating on him.
Believe me, I am just as concerned about the planet as the next guy but the guys who throw it in my face have got to go. If I have to hear about the size of your carbon footprint one more time I'm gonna stick my carbon foot up your ass. And the little electric car you drive is annoying. If you tell me one more time how many gallons a fuel my SUV is gobbling up compared to your Matchbox toy, I'm going to go Monster Truck on you and flatten the thing in about 5.3 seconds.
This is the guy who, bless his heart, rescued a puppy from the pound. While I applaud your valiant deed, please don't flaunt it. That is something you do out of the goodness of your heart, not to get laid. If I hear you say, "She's a rescue" one more time, I'm taking your dog and giving it to the little girl who won't use it like a new Rolex watch she just purchased. And did you really "rescue" the dog? I mean, they were giving it away and you took it. Back when I was in college, I rescued an old couch from my neighbors curb. But whenever friends came over and plopped down to watch a game, I never told them, "It's a rescue."
Monday Morning Political Guy
This is the guy that watched every political show on the TV the previous night and cannot wait to vomit every bit of it out the next day to whoever will listen. Their evenings are spent taking down talking points and memorizing facts that can be used the next day. Generally these guys don't form their own opinions, rather they hear something they think they should believe (after all, if that person represents my political party, I better agree with him!)and try to get information that may back their belief. If I want that, I'll watch Glenn Beck, Bill Maher or any other late night talking head. At least that way I can turn them off when I get tired of listening.
My Wife's My Best Friend Guy
No she's not. She's your wife and nothing more. In fact, she shouldn't even be in your top five. We all love our wives but have you ever had sex with your best friend? No! So while I understand that the two of you love each other and enjoy each others company, best friends are reserved for guys, not your wife, so stop telling us that. Especially when our wives are around because you make us look like idiots and we don't want to hear about how our relationships need to be more like yours.